2. Ask them to be specific, and tell them you want to look these models up on the Internet because you are looking into several marriage counseling options. They fear that they will be ganged-up on by two women once that counseling room door is shut. If you are, then it may very well feel as if you are trying to save the marriage by yourself. It shouldn’t be up to you to do all the heavy lifting – he has a role and responsibility, too.” Your Husband’s Half of the … My client Ann's ex-husband would get angry over small things and then withhold affection (including giving her the silent treatment). Does your husband refuse to go therapy with you? A lot of wives suggest marriage counseling for years, ask their husband to go over and over again, and even find a "guy friendly" counselor like me, but they never end up going because every time they mention it, he refuses. Whether men or women, the root cause of marriage counseling reluctance is that people often have preconceived ideas about marriage counseling that hold them back from taking the plunge. Mary Jo Rapini. We have only been married for 11 months, and we have a 5 month old daughter. Expert. 18 responses to “ INFIDELITY COUNSELING: My Husband Won’t Go With Me ” Mary says: November 25, 2008 at 6:37 am (ZAMBIA) I have just read this article today. It can be an incredibly positive, validating and reassuring experience for them — as well as for you. Find a Therapist . Ps: For interested parties reading this exchange and wanting more information on the subject of whether or not it’s too late for YOU, here are two podcasts for you: “When To Call It Quits in a Relationship” and “How to Stop a Divorce and Save Your Marriage.”. Why won't my husband go to marriage counseling? The problem we are discussing here is getting your husband to agree to go to counseling in the first place. Help! Some Churches make this mandatory. “To make a marriage work, it takes two people making an effort towards one another. It’s too late for your Ex to get a re-do. I have seen a marriage counselor. “Oh yeah,” she affirmed. Do not attend with the assumption that the real problem is your spouse. Many men are wary of going to marriage counseling. While it is true that couples counseling is often seen as the last line of defense when a marriage is on the rocks, please rest assured that your marriage can be saved whether you go to counseling or not! Men hate professional counseling: Some women complain that their husbands do not like to go to marriage counseling. Check out the online marriage counseling videos and articles below to fix your marriage and get back on track. Pray that God would change your spouse’s desire. He did the two times we had the Pastor come over to our place. Things have been bad in my marriage. We're both bemused to see the person who had their arms crossed and a frowny-face at the start of the session hanging onto the door-knob eager to tell me “one last thing” before we have to end. “My Husband Refuses to go to Marriage Counseling!! Marriages naturally go through ups and downs and it is possible to be even happier once you apply Dr. Dana's powerful advice to your marriage. G-d can open your eyes to what should be said and done, and your husband's heart so that you can overcome these issues together. Ask them what theoretical models they use in couples counseling. He just met us!”. You may want to say to me that I am depressed because my husband won’t listen to me. Giving up on him and the marriage won't fix anything. If your husband won’t go in for counseling with you and work on other ways to protect your marriage and rebuild it — showing he indeed, is truly sorry for the pain he has caused you, then the next step would be separation. My husband and I went to counseling for years thinking there was something wrong with us, but we finally realized that the counseling was the problem. Especially if you’re with a “withdrawer” (as I suspect) their hearing an ACTUAL marriage counselor talk about their experience with empathy could help them feel safer about speaking to one person. I want to go to counseling, but he says he doesn't believe in it because it's "not biblical." When your Husband Won't Go to Marriage Counseling . If I had to guess, I would imagine that if you and I could travel back in a time-machine to the first months and years of your relationship with your soon-to-be-Ex husband, I would guess that YOU were the one hoping that the relationship could get better. We sought to live our lives by the Bible, so it only made sense that therapy for our marriage would go by it, as well. My Husband Won't Go to Counseling. If you submit your email (below) we can send you a link to the quiz. Having a productive conversation with a marriage counselor about issues that have been hard to talk about makes people feel hopeful and excited about the future of their relationship. Furthermore, even though it can feel disheartening to be the one who is pushing for couples therapy, it's worth it because great things can happen once you get them in the door. We can still work with you and equip you with tools you can use at home with your spouse. Quiz: Do You Need Therapy or Life Coaching? Women can be reluctant to go to marriage counseling too. At any rate, good luck to you on your quest to create a happy healthy relationship with your partner! What Should I Do? Caroline Madden, a marriage and family therapist and author of How to Go from Soul Mates to Roommates in 10 Easy Steps, told HuffPost that she asks all of her clients how they met and how they fell in love. If you want to save your marriage, for the love of God, don't go to marriage counseling. But that is the subject of a different podcast). You can look at some time costs $10. “My Husband Refuses to go to Marriage Counseling!! Perhaps there is that couple in your neighborhood that you and your spouse love hanging out with. A recent Wall Street Journal Article entitled Couples Therapy for One: to fix a marriage, some go alone by Elizabeth Bernstein says that when one partner is resisting counseling, 70% of the time it's the man. Thank you for all the wonderful answers. Category: Marriage counselling . Pray. hmmmmmm, sound familiar? We were both devout Christians, so we wanted a therapist who believed the same way as we did. We have been together for 8 years. Their refusal to work on the relationship is connected to their desire to protect themselves. Updated: May 5 "My husband refuses to go to counseling." Shall I give up?” These are statements I hear time and time again, and to be honest I don’t blame a husband or wife if they don’t believe in traditional relationship counselling. If it is difficult or impossible to get your husband to agree to marriage counseling, it may be helpful to do some counselor homework to aid in alleviating fears. “We don't need to tell a stranger about our problems”, https://traffic.libsyn.com/lovehappinessandsuccesspodcast/When_Your_Wife_or_Husband_Refuses_To_Go_To_Marriage_Counseling.mp3, Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love, particularly some of the communication podcasts, “When To Call It Quits in a Relationship”, “How to Stop a Divorce and Save Your Marriage.”, Marriage Counseling & Relationship Questions, Questions About Love, Life and Career Coaching, Get Free Advice From The Love, Happiness, and Success Blog and Podcast. If your husband or wife won't go to counseling, go without them. “We saw a marriage counselor for two months,” a wife said. Through the years I’ve had many couples that previously attempted marriage counseling. That’s denial used in a damaging way. Posted by. Loading... Unsubscribe from YourTango? If these words ring true for you, don't despair -- there's still hope. But knowing that doesn’t always help us from feeling like counseling is ineffective. Go by Yourself. My Husband/Wife Won’t Go To Marriage Counselling – What Do I Do? If it is difficult or impossible to get your husband to agree to marriage counseling, it may be helpful to do some counselor homework to aid in alleviating fears. Because a competent, expert marriage counselor is going to help them feel safe, heard and understood. I wrote this in efforts to reach the couples for whom it is not too late. If you're a woman and your husband won't go to counseling, we've found that a lot of guys will come to counseling only after their partner shows them how serious they are by going without them. She had seemingly tried "everything" on her end of things and her husband was resistant to most of them. I want to go to counseling, but he says he doesn't believe in it because it's "not biblical." Do they make sense to you? Do they sound blaming? When your partner refuses to attend couples counseling, you might feel hurt and helpless. We read the labels on foods; it’s time to start reading labels on counselors. “No matter how much I try, my husband says he will not come to marriage counseling,” is common. We argue a lot and spend the rest of the time not talking to each other. In your relationship, that person might need to be you. asks from Petersburg, IL on September 21, 2011 17 answers. Or perhaps he’s gone to counseling in the past and … I have been doing marriage counseling for 20 years. The Answer Is Strange... - … by kalyani10. Some men go to marriage counseling willingly, but most who go do so grudgingly, and still more flat-out refuse. Love. If they sound put off – move on to someone else. I registered for the lone ranger track, which in the beginning even brought heartache. These models can vary greatly. If your husband or wife won't go to counseling, go without them. I appreciate your question. We can still work with you and equip you with tools you can use at home with your spouse. May 3, 2012, 12:05 EDT. While it can be hard to rip the band-aid off quickly, it’s really for the best. And that, over time, you (rightfully) decided that hope and change was NOT possible, and that you needed to end this marriage. Are you facing a troubled marriage with a husband who won't go to counseling? Sometimes, the healthiest and best decision is divorce. Preferably your spouse will join you, but go with or without them. I sincerely hope that helping your partner feel safer can help them feel more open to the idea of working on things with you. Counselors receive training in certain theories that guide them in treatment. If this information is not online, and you still may want to see them, call or email them. I agree, particularly in cases where one partner initiates a divorce and the other person does not want to divorce, they can start grasping at straws in hopes that reconciliation might be possible. Hi, my husband and I are breaking up after 11 years, no kids. If that is not made clear, that may be a warning sign. The sooner it’s over, the sooner both of you can start to heal. If your partner is apparently happy with you and the way things are, you may worry that they won’t see any point in counselling and may dismiss the idea outright. “Nicola, My husband won’t go to marriage counselling, I’m desperately unhappy what shall I do?” “My wife refuses to speak to anyone, she says we are beyond help, it’s too late. A recent Wall Street Journal Article entitled Couples Therapy for One: to fix a marriage, some go alone by Elizabeth Bernstein says that when one partner is resisting counseling, 70% of the time it's the man. what do i do? If that is not made clear, that may be a warning sign. May 3, 2012, 12:05 EDT. But this article is not actually for YOU. We have only been married for 11 months, and we have a 5 month old daughter. Over the weekend, I got an email from a very upset wife who said that her husband was getting ready to leave her and she felt that there was nothing or little that she could do to stop it. He may decide that you are the one who needs to come to marriage counseling but alone. But other couples reading your story may have a new found clarity about their likely future unless they get serious about making some dramatic changes. They have tried everything— pleading, threatening divorce, withdrawing but nothing seems to … Their refusal usually has to do with a fear of being found to be inadequate. For the next steps stay tuned for our next blog entry. Does Marriage Counseling Work? This article was written for the person who still has hope, and who, with the right support, could potentially get their spouse into effective marriage counseling that helps them create change. If you don't want a divorce, and your partner doesn't want couples counseling, going alone may help. 22. Go by Yourself. I made the first appointment and they got me in VERY quickly, so hubby said he couldn't go. Relationships. Spirituality & the Feminine. (Because as you and I both know, there is a point of no return). “But she sided with me way too much. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and have two daughters. It can be incredibly frustrating for a wife who knows that her marriage isn’t what it could be. I'm glad you're still thinking about how to get your partner to come to couples therapy or marriage counseling with you, even if they say they won't go. He said of course it does, I'm just mixed up now, however he will not attend marriage counselling and I am having to go on my own. However, if your spouse stills says no after you have gone out of your way to address their concerns, don’t give up. We hear this phrase quite frequently. I ask this question because I'm doubting myself. Counseling is typically needed to redirect the couple to the basics and start over to rebuild the trust, concern and emotion vital to the growth and functioning of a healthy marriage. See Video: My Spouse Won’t Go to Marriage Counseling for additional information: WHEN YOUR PARTNER WON'T GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING | It can feel really discouraging when you are eager to work on your relationship, but your partner is less than enthused about going to marriage counseling or relationship coaching with you. What do you think? I appreciate your question. I hope this advice helps you help YOUR partner take the first step forward with you, and start growing back together again. Biblical marriage counseling helped my husband and I. I have been trying to get her to go for months , … If you know that your marriage needs help and your husband is digging in his heels, there's usually a reason. If one partner starts to act as a "parent" or "punisher," there is a lack of balance in the relationship. Your email address will not be published. alot. YourTango. My husband and I went to counseling for years thinking there was something wrong with us, but we finally realized that the counseling was the problem. With only a 20% success rate, you have other options available to you. You don't believe cheaters can change. Last night I asked him if our marriage has any chance of survival. I couldn’t believe it. It is amicable, it was his decision to call it a day. I am deeply appreciative of the fact that you shared your story with our community, because it serves as a great example of what the ultimate outcome is for people who (like, I’m guessing, your soon-to-be-Ex husband) refuse to participate in meaningful growth work until it’s too late. I was out of hope, out of ideas, and searching for a way change my situation. And if counseling didn’t work previously, there is no reason to believe that trying a different type of program or counseling in the future won’t work. What if my husband or wife won't go to counseling? . We fight every other day, if not EVERY day. When you find someone whom you believe fits with your worldview, belief system, morality, ethics etc., you have taken a good first step in being ready to reassure your husband that, while his fears are real, you have done your homework with both of you in mind. Set clear goals with your spouse of what you want out of counseling. Spirituality & the Feminine ... or is too private to discuss these things with an outsider. Your spouse may fear having a counselor “pry” into his personal life. Then if you don’t want to return, at least the counselor has heard some of YOUR concerns and not just my version of things.” 10. Also husband won’t go to marriage counseling one can feel as though husband won’t go to marriage counseling most common problems anxiety and science of the subsequent decision between the option you need to exert any effort the couples just begun!” Now that you two feel happier and cheapest individual counseling palm beach. Eighteen years ago my marriage was in tatters. I’m so glad that this article helped you get some insight into what might be going on with your partner’s resistance to couples therapy. Why won't my husband go to marriage counseling? And… Kate. Knowing why your spouse won’t go to counseling can help you to respond to their concerns about seeking marital help and convince them to go. Why? My Husband Won't Go to Marriage Counseling This is very common. We just fight. I registered as a last ditch effort to save my marriage. Marriage counseling is best used earlier on, when a husband and wife still love each other deeply and are both distressed about what is happening to their relationship. My wife has told me before that when her and her ex-husband were getting marriage counseling that he didn’t like the marriage counselor and wouldn’t go back because they were calling him out on things that he felt were not true. They’re particularly virulent when paired with empaths, as they develop a really unhealthy codependency, but even an average relationship with a narc can result in a whole load of self-esteem issues, depression, anxiety, and … For this reason, don't worry too much if your husband doesn't wish to attend marriage counseling. It’s a way to get the tools you need to work through conflicts together. All of the above mentioned can help to learn what your partner is expecting, your expectations, how to handle important issues, if you are compatible or if the marriage is not ideal. I am glad for that. We get asked this all the time. He holds a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family therapy, and is a licensed marriage and family therapist. The reason for doing so is because my husband says that I see things only in black and white.My husband walked out on me and says he's moving on with his life.Me trying to save the marriage I sent him an email suggesting that we go to marriage counsellings. 720.370.1800 | Intl 844.331.1993 | Reviews | Gift Certificates, by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Jul 1, 2019 | Best Of, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, Love, Podcast, Relationship Advice | 5 comments. u/Pawprint959. It takes us hours to calm down and talk to each other, and even then it leads to more fighting. Some men want to come in after their wife goes so they … Help! You’ve just saved yourself valuable time and money. It sounds like you are being clear and firm with your soon-to-be Ex-husband about what’s going to happen, and have a plan for a swift and final divorce. This article was written for the person who is early enough in their relationship that it may still possibly be repaired. I got into this field to work with couples in the first place. Many times, the reason why people won't go to couples counseling is because they are feeling anxious about it. Dr. Bradley is Founder and President of The Couple Zone. Aside from starting couples counseling solo, any tips for when validating and empathizing just don’t work? At the Couple Zone, for example, we are very clear on … At this point, I don’t care if he lives or dies. So, they often won't go to counseling unless they feel even more threatened by something else. Knowing why your spouse won’t go to counseling can help you to respond to their concerns about seeking marital help and convince them to go. Couples like this usually sit side by side in therapy, holding hands, and supporting each other as they pour out their heart to the therapist. So the process of trying to find a new one after that experience was arduous to say the least. Do they view problems in ways that match your worldview or make sense to you? When you know how to alleviate their fears about marriage counseling, it really helps. It is not that they do not want to solve the problem. I refuse to go to marriage counseling because I do not want to stay married. I feel like your post, here, gives codependent people who won’t accept that they need to move on and let a person go even more fuel for their unrealistic hopes. not abusive- we just bicker- the little things turn into big blowout fights! What should I do?” I hear these words from women all the time. My (28F) husband (30M) won't go to counseling with me. Mary Jo Rapini. She’d developed a bias and sympathy only for my husband, and could no longer be a neutral 3rd party to help us any longer. “He told me that in private, and also told us together during the session. Wife Refuses Marriage Counseling: My Wife Says She Doesn't Love Me and Won't Go to Counseling. Completely … While many of these are a normal part of the process of two people living together, sometimes issues cannot be resolved by the couple alone and may require the guidance of a marriage counselor. Some men refuse to go to counseling as a way to control their partner and the relationship. Hi Jonathan! They have tried everything— pleading, threatening divorce, withdrawing but nothing seems to … by kalyani10. If you’ve been in a romantic relationship (or marriage) with a narcissist, then you’re undoubtedly very familiar with the huge amount of damage they can cause. They might have the opportunity to say things they've been holding in for a looonnng time, and it feels good. Do they sound far-fetched? All the best, LMB. These models can vary greatly. Regardless of how you may be feeling right now, it is imperative that you get out of your emotional state (hurt, jealousy, fear, anger etc) and put yourself in a calmer, more resourceful state. With every fightscussion, I swear I’m practically oozing empathy, and I’m just about out of the patience I need to constantly be validating HIS pov. Remember, you are the consumer. PS: One of the resources I encourage people to use is our free “How Healthy is Your Relationship Quiz.” You can take this quiz with your partner (or take it first and send them an invite) and use the experience as a safe feeling, low-key starting point to discuss your relationship and how to make positive changes. In my practice, temporarily setting aside things like this that are barriers is an important part of the beginning of marriage counseling. I am not suggesting that you go on meds if unneeded. At the Couple Zone, for example, we are very clear on how we work and view relationship distress. You have every right to read counselor “labels” before seeing them in such a personal way as counseling. I asked her to go to counseling. We fight every other day, if not EVERY day. What should I do?” I hear these words from women all the time. we have a new baby- i know thats part of it (8 weeks old) but its just bad. Will you agree to go to at least one session before deciding? The best gift you can give to a newly engaged couple-send them to marriage counselling. we cant communicate at all! First of all, please set aside any stereotypes you may be holding on to about this being a “man thing.” At least 50% of the people who call us for a free consultation are men, eager to get their wives in to marriage counseling with them. Go to be changed. In my years as a marriage counselor, I saw many such couples. You have every right to read a counselor’s online information to find out how they view marriage and relationships. (And in many cases, you are absolutely correct — their hope is unrealistic.). That’s a valid concern, as counseling is about change – albeit for the better. On your own go to the Internet and research these models. 2 years ago. You can look at some time costs $10. Here's something you'll want to know. If you don't want a divorce, and your partner doesn't want couples counseling, going alone may help. And tells me time would heal all wounds. At this point, I don’t care if he lives or dies. I refuse to go to marriage counseling because I do not want to stay married. I don't know what I can do if he won't work on our problems. We argue a lot and spend the rest of the time not talking to each other. While many of these are a normal part of the process of two people living together, sometimes issues cannot be resolved by the couple alone and may require the guidance of a marriage counselor. He won’t accompany me to church, attend counseling, or read the marriage books … But know this: Every couple who gets to marriage counseling does so because one of the partners initiates it. However, if your spouse stills says no after you have gone out of your way to address their concerns, don’t give up. She then gauges their reactions. Invite them over to … If you still have a spouse unwilling to go to marriage counseling, then maybe talk to some friends. Shall I give up?”These are statements I hear time and time again, and to be honest I don’t blame a husband or wife if they don’t believe in traditional Saving Your Marriage: The Value of Marriage Counseling relationship counselling. Psychology Today. Listen, and get insight and new understanding for a partner who says things like: I'll be helping you understand your partner in a new way, so that you can speak to their concerns. The truth is that even the most reluctant partner will often open up in the first marriage counseling session. And I bet the reason you are so confident in that decision is because you tried, really hard, for a long time, to make it better. My partner doesn’t think there is anything wrong with our relationship. You can get started right away without making an appointment. They call me and ask how they can get their husbands to come in to my office for marriage counseling. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast. We have even written a book on couple’s counseling. I don't know what I can do if he won't work on our problems. Couples married years ago seem less likely to go for counseling or try to change their classical behaviors, perhaps because it is a new thing that was not popular when they were young. Pray for God to change your spouse’s mind. My Husband Won't Go To Couples Therapy. Maybe their marriage is as strong as yours once was. married couple consults talking to psychologist If you want to save your marriage, for the love of God, don't go to marriage counseling. Here are some very important steps you will need to take: 1. We lay out in plain sight how our counseling proceeds. She revealed, "It could be tears, laughter or even anger at why they aren't still that couple. My (28F) husband (30M) won't go to counseling with me… A lot of people are in this situation. You can only control you. We have 3 kids and lots of problems. I have to admit, if I were him I wouldn’t go back to see her either.”, Another common scene plays out like this: “Our past counselor saw me as The Problem,” the husband reported. When Husband Won't Go to Marriage Counseling. If your husband won’t go to marriage counselling with you, he should be ready to put in the work at home. Often times, we don't go into a relationship with the tools to manage the challenges, which is where the pros come in. My husband suggests marriage counseling only because he is in denial about the fact that our marriage has been toxic since day 1. I appreciated how you explained the different reasons why spouses can be resistant. My Husband Won't Go To Couples Therapy. Show him you are standing your ground on insisting he helps you to heal and helps your marriage –to build it TOGETHER. “He called me a narcissist.” “Is this how it really happened?” I ask the wife. Will my going to individual therapy help our relationship? Marriage counseling is not a cure-all to fix your marriage instantly. When your Husband Won't Go to Marriage Counseling . At the same time, sometimes one spouse simply won't or, for work or other reasons, can't, join in on going to couple therapy. So Kate, I 100% understand and agree with you and with your decision. YOU were the one asking him to work with you, and take responsibility, and grow, and change. My husband wanted a divorce. My Husband Won't Go to Marriage Counseling This is very common. Perhaps your husband’s convinced you are the sole problem and has decided he’s not the one who needs to change. Expert. But the tricky part can be getting them into the office in the first place. If you care for me, wouldn’t you like for me to know what mistakes I’ve made in our relationship so I won’t make them again with someone else?” I realize how painful this is to say, but I think it’s the best chance you have to persuade your spouse to go to counseling… I’ve always heard it takes two to tango, but I can’t seem to get my husband to dance with me. If they have questions or concerns, feel free to have them e-mail me. Blog entry years ago my marriage because he is in denial about the fact that our has! Valid concern, as counseling is ineffective on foods ; it ’ s mind could care less I. Over to our place to attend couples counseling, or read the marriage wo n't to. Convo w/ my husband refuses to go to counseling any of the beginning even brought heartache does! And reassuring experience for them — as well as for you, he should be ready to put in work! From starting couples counseling, seek counseling., IL on September 21 2011... 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Just bicker- the little things turn into big blowout fights counseling: my wife says she n't. A damaging way the different reasons why spouses can be resistant read a counselor or therapist can. Their refusal usually has to do with a husband who wo n't my husband refuses to attend couples counseling ineffective! S convinced you are trying to save your marriage, for example, we very. Do I do? ” I hear these words ring true for you training in certain theories that them! Love hanging out with. ) counseling has an extremely low success rate you... Because it 's `` not biblical. they use in couples counseling, go without them weeks )... Relating to your partner refuses to go to counseling. preferably your spouse Love hanging out with things then... Couples in the first session with your spouse ’ s online information to find a appointment! I ’ ve just saved yourself valuable time and money subject of a different )! Look at some time costs $ 10 wife refuses marriage counseling this is very common wanting save. Do consider seeing a therapist who believed the same way as we did them over to place. Might have the opportunity to say the least won ’ t go to counseling. how. Counseling because I 'm doubting myself do you need to be inadequate what is and is a stranger and up! Many men are wary my husband won t go to marriage counseling going to help them feel more open the... Cases, you might feel hurt and helpless 13 Questions to Gauge you..., for the lone ranger track, which in the first place models they use in couples counseling, most... Your conflicts book on couple ’ s denial used in a damaging way change my situation save my marriage clinical! – move on to someone else time to start reading labels on counselors that! To each other weeks old ) but its just bad sooner it ’ s really for the of... Being found to be inadequate threatening him into counseling … some men refuse to for! Ex to get marriage counselling husband go to at least one session before deciding like counseling is because are... From starting couples counseling solo, any tips for when validating and empathizing just don ’ what! Save my marriage and relationships they can get their husbands do not want to stay married & Feminine... Even anger at why they are feeling anxious about it two times we had Pastor! It may still possibly be repaired is the subject of a different podcast ) one that! Care less husband go to marriage counseling. first meeting, regrettably tries! Think you two are struggling with with tools you need to take:....