To quote John Wayne, “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” In this case, it would be knowing that you’re going to get hurt but committing to it anyway. I would love to know where you are at now. He became incredibly violent, kicking and punching, pinching me until I bled and laughing. . Hallelujah someone who understands! Or you could comment here. The public offices involved so often seem to have their head in the sand about what is truly best in these kinds of scenarios. It’s the same reason that white people travel overseas to “volunteer” in third world countries. You end up with a much deeper understanding of the human condition, realizing that most of what people believe about people is wrong. My husband and I have been considering fostering. I hope that by sharing these thoughts you might walk away changed, if only a little. During the training I got to learn about the anti-psychotics and psychotropic medications that I probably will never be giving to children in my home. As a bio kid I’ve had my fair share of unique experiences yet and I know there are many just like me, but where are those articles? All of the comments, from all sides were welcome. I do acknowledge that what you have done for the child you had, in all the time you had this child, gave that child something to measure. This is because many (most?) At first, I was the only girl in the home, with three boys. I am a single woman – I own my house with 2 extra bedrooms and was considering becoming a foster parent, but now – no way. This is actually one of the hardest parts about the whole process. This post was about the trauma that foster parents go through (i.e. Thank you son much for your story. You check online court documents. I understand that people go through extreme poverty, addictions and hard times and can definitely change for the better, but I dislike betting a child’s future against this supposed “one fine day” change when all evidence points to no change.. My husband and I have no children and all our family members are trying to pressure us into trying to have bio kids first. They won’t have to dress themselves. I figured out who the parents, grandparents, baby-dads, former baby-dads, cousins, uncles and aunts were. We adopted a beautiful 10 month old who is now 27 that has multiple problems. All thanks to a beautiful little 3 year old boy who has come into our home. These adoption stories of parents often talk about the tough journeys but those that yield a … Not as a default measure when they come into your house, but yes! Blessings. It’s like going to the doctor and asking him to operate on your foot after someone cut your hand off. The workers often leave out diagnoses or other important information just to get the Kids placed. If you get this wrong they may end up being mis-categorized and end up losing out on qualifying for services that they need. Thank you so much and hopefully God’s plan for me is to be a foster mother because it’s been my dream for so long. My wife and I have been thinking about adopting. ‘White’ privilege may exist, but it is only part of the picture, and it is totally unfair to not address other acts of racism or the role of personal agency. Sometimes polish is needed and sometimes rawness is needed. We wiped the poop off of her cast (due to physical abuse). They were just unstable drunks who argued constantly and left me to be the parent, essentially. I discovered that so many people get involved in fostering for the money and not to make a lasting impact on a child’s life. Before that their rules were do whatever you wanted as long as you don’t get beaten. (What the agencies don’t tell you)” Compulsive masturbation. When most people become parents they have about 9 months to prepare. Many children in foster care are just as you say; a master manipulator. When I have asked people accusing me of being the beneficiary of racial bias I always ask the question “how, exactly?” Immediately after the expression of revulsion that I would have the audacity to ask such a question I am given answers such as “whites are less likely to be arrested, less likely to be in poverty, more likely to get a good job” etc, etc. I have heard so many stories like this. As far as I have learned, no parental rights are terminated here until the parents choose to terminate. We were both 23 years old, kids were not on my radar at that point in my life so I agreed with her. I stumbled across this AWESOME and very true post while researching adjusting to becoming a first-time foster parent. We have been fostering for 7 years now and have seen some go to family members 3 sibling sets adopted. This post has been read 10’s of thousands of times since I posted it. Some black city council members wouldn’t listen to my dad because he was white (they told him so to his face.) In almost all of the documents I have, poverty is a significant factor. We have all heard horror stories about children in the foster care system. Now we’re almost in our sixties and I didn’t mention that we took in a sibling set of 3 when the one we adopted was 3 years old. A private adoption from another country sounds more and more appealing because it completes once that child is placed with you and you bring them into the country. I say my parents’ greatest ‘privilege’ is the morals they learned, which allowed them to pull themselves out of poverty (twice!) In at least five of my homes, I lived with foster parents who were newly licensed or ones who had never had foster children, much less a teenager who had been emotionally, physically and sexually abused. Especially those that have been discarded and abused by society. Oh Brian, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Heartbreak, tears, hard times and all. Remember, many cases that CPS works with involve highly addictive substances. It will be the hardest thing you have done and it will be worth it, even though it won’t feel like it most, if not all, of the time. I had one who talked to me as if I were a younger sister and I found I could trust her. Not to be selfish, but I would be taking on this task alone. Sure, when they first go into a home where there are rules/boundaries/expectations, they are going to struggle and push back… out of fear. But I acquiesced. I am honestly flummoxed trying to come up with an adequate response. They will have meals at predictable times. One may claim this is walking around with blinders on my eyes. I didn’t find this post discouraging at all. We weren’t looking, we just fell in love with her. They called me in in order to try to guilt trip me into keeping him. But I spent the first 20 years of my life having seen two black people. I would argue that people who have grown up in poverty and trauma would have more similarities to each other than people in other classes no matter their ethnic background. Maybe. What are you doing now? Change the law! The only thing we have received is WIC and I had to go to the DHHR office several times because the worker failed to help to get the baby’s medical card for her first shots. This worker knew less then the children worker and that didn’t sit well with us. My daughter and her husband fostered twin boys for 20 months (since they were removed from bio parents at birth). I’ve not heard of Ruby Payne, but she has some harsh critics which means that, at a minimum, she has something interesting to say. For me, I would never talk to anyone and I channeled my anger through defiance and opposition. More than 34 percent of children placed in foster care and 7 percent of all children had ever observed one of their parents abusing the other, or an adult in their home hitting or kicking another adult. Most wealthy-but-moral-poor families are dysfunctional and far less happy than poorer-but-moral-rich families. Sexual abuse is a problem and there are always lingering effects that you need to be vigilant about. I am a foster parent myself. cheers. Additionally, if I have written something here that offends you, bear in mind that you probably have not gone through what I went through. the reason why is because I had to just last year have to protect my foster parents butts, their own kids another foster kids, and my own butt and personal future. But that’s OK. What matters more is what you do with the mess. I’m sorry for your loss. Why? But look look for guidance, prayer, and a community of people who are willing to support you, whatever path you choose. We are going through the process of getting approved for fostering (we live in Singapore). I have heard so much good from friends who are fosters but I think it’s also important to know the challenges we might face. White slaves were brought to black Muslims in Africa by the boatload. They had a little girl they were fostering who was the same age as my daughter. Let’s start with some term definitions. Treat those, particularly item 1, and suddenly the foster care issues would slow to a comparative trickle. For most of them, it’s a feeling that they have never felt before. I found myself praying more and more for God to help me help these children, and provide them with a good home and family. Ask me in 5 years and I know I’ll say he was worth it without hesitation. Especially if you are a person who holds to her faith there is no need for you to do this alone. I have been called racist names and treated differently (derogatorily) by Mexicans my whole life based on the color of my skin. The more I’ve learned about How Hard they make it for the good, safe, loving individuals who are tying to save these children the more disgusted I’ve become. My wife and I also feel like the state lies, and manipulates us. If anyone knows ways to handle it I would be ever so grateful but I’m guessing if a Licensed Therapist can’t get through fully to him…how can I as a foster parent do it. You are speaking the truth!##. I watch white people acting untowardly as much as black people. Siblings get broken apart because taking on multiple children is an immense drain. I’m an English major, after all. As an example, respite care for foster families is a HUGE help. Required fields are marked *. I am doing research for my own College Paper and this was just perfect. And parent visits are inevitably followed by a day or two of acting out, whatever that means for the child. They cry, get sick, and can make you exhausted, just dont expect the easy route on adopted baby. You have married parents. Some of the children don’t like to open up because of damage from previous foster homes or life experiences. I don’t doubt that fostering is extremely difficult and thankless, but if you’re going to be a foster parent of black kids, you really need to dig deep to unpack the racist ideas that you may be harboring. When he’s not angry, he is kind, caring, affectionate, funny, and just down right amazing. Often the reports provide details of, Mother tested positive for Cocaine during delivery, Neglect, parents engaged in drug abuse and domestic violence (this one came up a lot), Physical abuse (broken bones, burns, cuts), Was pushed on the ground and rolled over by their parent with a stroller, Mom threatened bodily harm against a newborn. My husband has said OK, we can do foster care. Given that this is the assertion we hear over and over again, this type of response is fairly typical and goes about without being questioned. I think it is what my wife and I have been called to do.. but it is very scary… I truly admire your strength and determination. Thank you for being “REAL” about the whole foster parenting ordeal…. I recently attended a foster care seminar. In at least five of my homes, I lived with foster parents who were newly licensed or ones who had never had foster children, much less a teenager who had been emotionally, physically and sexually abused. I’ve been in foster care for 3 years but in the system for 6 years. Thanks again for sharing. Why is that important? I am now for the most part an on the go mom with the kids needs top priority even over my business and its finance. Thank you for the article. I would also recommend talking with your friends and making sure that you have support ahead of time. I was running my life, it was not running me. Not even close. People from each class no matter working, middle or upper classes, would have most similarity with people from their own class regardless of race. Knowing these children have been deprived in teaching even the simplest of life-skills that make for a functional family, and knowing that they are a product of the environment they have been subjected to, does not make it easier in not becoming overwhelmed and frustrated no matter how strong you are. My biggest concern has always been the heartbreak of having a child returned to an unstable home. Some parts of the system are different in Australia – the parents rights arent terminated after a year, they usually have the ability to take the children back (providing they pass all the tests and jump through all the hoops, which isnt common but occassionaly happens) until the child turns 18. We live every day knowing the kind of physical, emotional and spiritual poverty that they live in and it kills us. I would like to adopt or be a foster car I would like to be a foster care mothr just to give love back I have 3 kids of my own and would love to have 1-2 Moore. I believe, Kinsman care is the worse thing Cps come up with, when there is no hope of resolve for parent and child. I cannot explain to you how much damage this family caused by all their good intentions. To this day I have never know a greater grief. As long as they don’t interfere with the caregiver, they can do anything they want. Respite care is, in theory, available. When you get those kids you are not simply babysitting. Now, stop and consider that those kinds of things are probably happening to real children within driving distance of your home. These are not examples I came up with off the top of my head. I am a 34 year old divorcee with no children of my own and even though I desperately want children of my own (I believe I will someday) I recognize a need and see how many children that are out there who are in desperate need. CPS wants us to go through the foster care program but I think his mom won’t want to jump through all the hoops the state will require so she would probably agree to a guardianship for him also. None of this current culture of hatred of white people considers that not all light skinned people have gotten in on that sailed ship of white privilege. We do have a few animals (3 dogs and 3 cats). There are entire policies in place that literally push black families into neighborhoods with few to no resources. Good parenting comes from hours and hours of attention to needs, love, consistent boundaries, and explicit teaching, not gifted from the womb or biology. I jumped through the MANY hoops to become a certified Foster Parent in California. Foster and adoptive parents are a weird bunch, but we understand the pain. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I also believe that judgment calls should be made individually as much as possible. And not only had I received a benefit from racism, I found out that I was racist too! For me, it was a mixed bag. I looked down at “this” and saw the biggest, bluest eyes I have ever seen. Maybe not. I am a parent of 2 boys, my biological children and this really made me think about a few things. The title “Foster Parenting: What could go wrong? It got real. We were both in our late twenties and felt we would adopt. Or if they come home with PTSD we should tell them to keep their stories between themselves and their therapist. From first hand Experiance I can relate to every persons story/nightmare. At this point in time, I have to put up with all of this emotional tug of war for the next 7 months at which time her paternal rights will be taken away from her and I can legally adopt him as my own – at the age of 80! Because my family is my personal responsibility. Also growing up in poverty in these times erases any benefit you received from being white in earlier eras. We were seriously considering foster care; we had even started the classes but the system is so broken. Ergo, the sentence is a defacto assertion of my racism. The culture that many CPS kids come from excel at that. The Foster worker also MIA. But while you can’t fix it here are a few suggestions that could reduce it. Why am I wanting to cry and scream and pull my hair out all at the same time? Remember that reference to Once Upon A Time where the main character was bumped around in the foster care system for 18 years? Maybe we are just too set in our ways, but in many ways I still want to go through with it but it is going to take an all in approach. I went from wanting to have nothing to do with babies to being wrapped around her little pinky finger in about 3 seconds flat. The culture that many CPS kids come from excel at that.”. Not one ounce of thought came in to consider that five months prior, I went into a new marriage and a custody battle for two new step sons 6 and 9 who were also in an extremely dysfunctional situation. Until my world came crashing down and I found this out about my life. More character than you could possibly want. I also understand that, although many people have had it much worse than me, what happened to me as a kid was not okay. At this time, we drive 80 miles for the two hour visit on rural roads to a town that has one sonic that of course, the other family members wait at for the visit to end. There’s a lot of opportunity to do more harm than good for these children in transitional care. Thank you for sharing yours. Secondary trauma is a very real thing, is largely ignored, and can have long term impacts, just as you are describing. The word “racism” has a strong stigma in our culture. Am I the beneficiary of racism in some nominal way? But I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that somebody just ” GETS IT” And when I say “sexual abuse” let your imagination run wild. That is always the question isn’t it? I am not sure we could rise to the challenge. Boys in the foster care system tend to be on medication, especially once they get past 5 years old. I’ve read a few articles that sugar coat foster parenting. We have finally given up, its not worth putting ourselves and our son on an emotional and physical roller coaster ride. Any help would be greatly appreciated! since one of my old foster sibling happened to go with a deranged boyfriend of hers who was also in a adult home with specail needs, decided to go to the elk grove police department and get Adult Protective Services against me and my foster parents. They continually falsely accused us of all kinds of mistreatment. Fostering is “worth it”, but oftentimes you have to find ways to convince yourself of it because “worth it” may not always be synonymous with “enjoyable”. I don’t understand why any society would allow that. More truma being put on the children trough the system, of which you now have to be a part of, due to the Foster system requirements. We have several friends & family members spread across the US who have fostered or have adopted from the foster care program, and because of them we have seen a very wide range of experiences, joys, severe challenges, success stories, and heartbreak. I can’t speak to its effectiveness but it has apparently worked very well for some children who have trouble forming bonds. You may have children who come into your home who have been physically or sexually abused. So, yes, that statement was aimed at me, was, itself, racist, used an unprovable societal polemic that ends up hurting the people it’s intending to help, and blames those who open their home to help these kids escape the cycle of poverty and abuse. I am not denying that racism exists, or even that it hurts black people disproportionately more. In collage I did a lot of research about the foster care system and the emotional and developmental problems that come along with these children, so that part of your post was no shock to me. That’s all it means. My wife and I are watching the TV show Once Upon A Time on Netflix. The emotional roller coaster will eventually stop and then we can all enjoy the ride as a family! “Programs” will have only a minimal effect on that. Some minorities do quite well, thus falsifying the claim). My wife and I were straight adoption for two years. Oppositional Defiance Disorder. It, however, is an undeniable fact that people from diverse ethnicities represent a much higher proportion who have grown up in poverty and trauma. I do want to comment on one thing. and not give them a free ride while the surrogate parent is heaped with a burden they had nothing to do with. I was in the middle of a work project and I couldn’t leave work, but we held it together for three weeks and made a bee-line for Breckenridge, CO where a very nice couple allowed us the use of their condo to recuperate. I stayed there for about five years, but they weren’t the most pleasant years. Rather than being offended and defensive about “being called a racist,” try taking in the information and thinking about yourself. We agreed and a few hours later a car arrived. Abuse is all that the child may know. I would hope that sounds pretty stupid because it is. I don’t hear much from those in your position; most of the people I know have done straight foster. What would you advise to me or a person like me.? Or, that I have stock that needs to be fed before dark thirty. They didn’t stay clean, they weren’t attending parenting classes (like that would help), they were still hanging around with the people that they got caught with and there really was no chance that the case would be resolved. I appreciate your honesty. 2 siblings were almost adopted but were back in the foster system because of violent behavior and the potential adoptive parents found out they were … Don’t these parents love their children and children need to be with their birth parents? Sure white privilege remains intact as long as the assets of the previous generation remain intact and are passed to the next, but now, once you get knocked out you will not find any favors for your lighter skin. Most churches won’t have a specific foster/adopt ministry, but they may be more aware of what is available in your area. His social worker is beyond amazing, my licensing worker amazing, their supervisor, the support group leader, his therapist. Zero. Learning about white privilege is not a personal attack on white people. To the extent that North America was built on ‘white privilege’/racism, and that those who are not visibly of the ‘white race’ face extra barriers to success; perhaps the state-training/cultural sensitization could be more effective if it provided that kind of a context, rather than being delivered as a ‘personal attack’.. The kids are all excited because they got presents and played the whole time, probably getting totally sugared up and you get to hear about how wonderful the bio-parents are for the next day or two. That’s definitely a tough question. If you REALLY love these kids, then fight against white supremacy and racist policies that cause them to be in this situation in the first place. It’s fairly raw. Later the caseworker came to our house for our monthly visit. How supportive were your parents or siblings? He and his wife had cared for over 300 children … Yes, we get paid to do it. It is likely that in that circle there are several young children who are being sexually abused, more that are physically abused and many more who are neglected due to parental drug use. When someone is in crisis, and the original commenter here clearly is (or, at least, was) the last thing someone should be doing is criticizing them. Also I agree that foster families don’t just do for the money, because mine’s never did. It is eye opening. I didn’t really want a baby. I would also caution against blaming one part of the system. The  medication training is perhaps the biggest time waste out of all of them. I ended up having to take her to the health department and pay for it out of pocket because the DHHR wouldn’t get anything in gear for us. THAT is my privilege and I wish it on everyone. You go on to talk about having two parents that loved you and a father that was there. I respect her enough, that I will never do that for that was both our decision. But this state-approved training stated that I was a racist (see the second image). And, for my wife and me, it has been among the most rewarding experiences of our lives. And, by no means, is it the child’s fault. They can eat what they want, drink what they want, sleep when they want, do what they want. Maybe it is. Lack of support, being accused , scrutiny over your family, your personal business and decisions become that of the state and the Foster care workers. But we never wanted to go the foster route. Make them pay and show by their actions that they really want a relationship with the child. It goes on and on just like all these stories are saying. A lot of the problem is that the whole system is run like a government bureaucracy… because it is. I even was put in the home of a different member of that family so that the foster parent would continue getting paid. But that often takes even longer to get than judicial permission. That’s all I can say. I’m reseaching fostering children (in Australia) and our legal system is quite different to the US, that said, there would be a lot of common themes. I’m in the UK and still everything sounds exactly like you have it in the US! Because it helps them stay calm and focused. These kids, at best, will be developmentally delayed. to parents who know (KNOW!) The mother was aware, but did not immediately take the child to the hospital. Happy to share with you more info! Love is the main ingredient but that’s not the only ingredient in that recipe. But while you may not want to foster there is a BIG gap in supporting foster families. 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